Description
Listeria Foot-Soldier™ Action Figure
🔥 Includes:
Stern-faced deli veteran, biologically engineered to never smile
Tactical sausage (uncooked, unsanctioned)
Outdated two-way radio for reporting ambient potato salad
Handheld megaphone for mid-snack protocol enforcement
Stainless steel knife (non-functional, emotionally dangerous)
Milk bottle of unknown origin
Black apron of the Old Guard
💬 Known Phrases (when squeezed hard enough):
“Stay under 40 or stay underground.”
“Sanitize before you moralize.”
“That ain’t ham. That’s hubris.”
Perfect for:
Gifted preschoolers with trust issues
Birthday parties at the USDA
Children whose first word was “cross-contamination”
🛑 WARNING: Exposure to this figure may result in obsessive labeling, extreme aversion to potlucks, and sudden leadership tendencies in snack line hierarchies.
✅ Ages 3–93
🚫 Not recommended for vegetarians
🛡️ Tested in a simulated outbreak chamber
🔕 Not endorsed by any known manufacturer (for legal reasons)
“From grubby toddler to cold cut czar — let the transformation begin.”
Your child will love this Listeria Foot-Soldier™ action figure, fully outfitted in a militant deli uniform that commands respect and radiates trauma. Cloaked in the savory stink of mortadella and brie, this hardened veteran of the lunchmeat apocalypse does more than entertain — he indoctrinates.
Crafted to instill fear, discipline, and an unrelenting commitment to safe food temperatures, this toy doesn’t play... It commands.
“Did you label that? Or are you just waitin’ for a body count?”
“You think that ham’s still good? Go ahead. Eat it. I’ll call the coroner.”
“You stirred it? That’s not cleanup — that’s evidence tampering.”
“I saw what you did. You touched the cheese and scratched your neck. We all saw.”
“That’s not ranch. That’s recklessness.”
“Every unwrapped tray is a betrayal. Every soft bite… a step closer to judgment.”
“Your fridge isn’t broken. You are.”
“I served in six cafeterias and never once let a meatball go lukewarm. What’s your excuse?”
“If it’s over 40, it’s a biohazard!”
“She brought it to the VFW potluck in a butter tub that said Country Crock, but the devil inside sure as hell wasn’t margarine.”
Before you know it… They’ll change.
Watch in awe as your child morphs from a feral toddler into a paranoid, hyper-vigilant cold cut zealot. They’ll start demanding expiration date audits. They’ll correct grown men on safe chilling zones. They’ll sleep with one eye open and one thermometer loaded.
