Listeria Foot-Soldier™ Action Figure

🔥 Includes:

  • Stern-faced deli veteran, biologically engineered to never smile

  • Tactical sausage (uncooked, unsanctioned)

  • Outdated two-way radio for reporting ambient potato salad

  • Handheld megaphone for mid-snack protocol enforcement

  • Stainless steel knife (non-functional, emotionally dangerous)

  • Milk bottle of unknown origin

  • Black apron of the Old Guard

💬 Known Phrases (when squeezed hard enough):

  • “Stay under 40 or stay underground.”

  • “Sanitize before you moralize.”

  • “That ain’t ham. That’s hubris.”

Perfect for:

  • Gifted preschoolers with trust issues

  • Birthday parties at the USDA

  • Children whose first word was “cross-contamination”

🛑 WARNING: Exposure to this figure may result in obsessive labeling, extreme aversion to potlucks, and sudden leadership tendencies in snack line hierarchies.

✅ Ages 3–93

🚫 Not recommended for vegetarians

🛡️ Tested in a simulated outbreak chamber

🔕 Not endorsed by any known manufacturer (for legal reasons)

“From grubby toddler to cold cut czar — let the transformation begin.”

Your child will love this Listeria Foot-Soldier™ action figure, fully outfitted in a militant deli uniform that commands respect and radiates trauma. Cloaked in the savory stink of mortadella and brie, this hardened veteran of the lunchmeat apocalypse does more than entertain — he indoctrinates.

The moment of first contact — a chosen child receives his Listeria Foot-Soldier, still sealed in blister pack and radiating unspoken orders. Destiny locked and loaded.
Cold fury incarnate. Young crusader clenches the Foot-Soldier while condemning a dangling sausage with righteous rage. He knows. That meat's been compromised.
Crafted to instill fear, discipline, and an unrelenting commitment to safe food temperatures, this toy doesn’t play... It commands.

 

“Did you label that? Or are you just waitin’ for a body count?” 

“You think that ham’s still good? Go ahead. Eat it. I’ll call the coroner.”

“You stirred it? That’s not cleanup — that’s evidence tampering.”

“I saw what you did. You touched the cheese and scratched your neck. We all saw.”

“That’s not ranch. That’s recklessness.”

“Every unwrapped tray is a betrayal. Every soft bite… a step closer to judgment.”

“Your fridge isn’t broken. You are.”

“I served in six cafeterias and never once let a meatball go lukewarm. What’s your excuse?”

“If it’s over 40, it’s a biohazard!” 

“She brought it to the VFW potluck in a butter tub that said Country Crock, but the devil inside sure as hell wasn’t margarine.”

Before you know it… They’ll change.

Watch in awe as your child morphs from a feral toddler into a paranoid, hyper-vigilant cold cut zealot. They’ll start demanding expiration date audits. They’ll correct grown men on safe chilling zones. They’ll sleep with one eye open and one thermometer loaded.